Thanksgiving

So tomorrow I leave with my roommate to San Fransisco where I will be joining his family for Thanksgiving. Pretty exciting. New place, good buddy, no homework.

That last part is especially relieving, given that these past two weeks have been crazy busy. Chimes articles, Old Testament, The Point (which just got sent to the printer, yay!).

I cannot believe how fast this semester has gone. Uncrediculous (new word)!!! It really makes me scared actually. I mean. college is going to be gone before I know it. My biggest fear is losing out on all the relationships I can have here. And as each semester passes me by, I never am completely content with my social life. Sure, a lot of people like me, I get along with a lot of people. Girls seem at least semi-interested in me :) . But, I just feel like I'm lacking a core group of friends. My roommate and I are practically inseperable, but it just doesn't feel like enough.

I mean, it's weird, I can totally click with someone in a class, while working with The Chimes, etc etc, but for some reason, the relationship rarely extends beyond the context I met them in. I only see my Chimes friends while doing The Chimes, only see my class friends while in class, and only see my Point friends while I'm working on The Point. I don't know how to fix that. I mean, I'm sure the obvious advice is, "Be intentional. Ask them to something." That's great and all, but why do things just work naturally for everyone else? It seems like for most people relationships just naturally happen and grow. That seems to be a rarity for me. My stongest relationships are the ones that life kind of forced me into (i.e. my roommate, Alec and Kyla, who are practically my family). Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE those people, but I just feel like something is wrong with me; that I am unable to establish better friendships from scratch.

I don't know. It's not all bad. I get little beams of light every once in a while. Like Saturday night, two girls that are in my major invited me to this photo scavenget hunt in Downtown Disney (some pics below). That was a lot of fun--and it was really cool to just be able to hang out with them as peers--not as fellow journalism majors, not as Chimes co-workers (one of them is my editor), just friends. As silly as that sounds, it really feels like a novelty for me. Rarely do I hang out with people just "as friends"; my social interactions almost always seemed tied to some kind of activity I'm involved in.

Well, 'nuff of that.

So, going to DC next semester. Wild. Just got an email from the program director telling me to start thinking of internships--can't believe that it's so close now.

Another cool thing, my journalism professor (you know the one I groaned about 2-3 posts ago), pulled me aside today and talked to me about where I wanted to be after graduation. I told him I wanted to work in the newspaper business, but just didn't know quite where. He then proceeded to tell me that these people he knew in DC had asked him if he knew any good journalism majors--he said he thought of me!! He told me to check out their website, and if I ever wanted to persue a job or internship there he would recommend me.

Incredible--I walked outside after he told me that and praised God.
Who knows if anything will come of this. But to just see how many opportunities are availble to me that I don't even see is incredible. And what's more, it came from a professor who just two months ago I was tired of.

Well, looking forward to coming back for Christmas. Later!

_________

Pics from the photo scavenger hunt. We were given photographs of various objects in Downtown Disney. We had a certain amount of time to go out and find them and get a picture by them with our group. It was really fun.

The guy in the tan jacket was fearless. He would do the funniest things in order to get into places. Like once, we thought one object might have been in a restraunt. He goes up to greeting lady, says he is looking for his party and she lets us go in and look around, lol. Another time in a bath and body store, in order to cause a diversion so we could take a picture (in a lot of places Disneyland doesn't want you taking pictures), he asked one of the store clerks the advantages of balming your back. Oh man.

Sunday Soccer

One of my journalism major friends did an article on the Sunday soccer guys at Biola.
http://chimes.biola.edu/news/biola/2007/nov/12/boys-sunday/

He got a couple pictures of me (one is a little unflattering :) ).

I love Sunday soccer. It can get a little messy sometimes (as in play style), but at least I get to play--I still miss playing on a competitive team.

HOOPLA

There's been a lot of activity on Biola's campus these past few days. On Friday Biola inaugurated Dr. Bary Corey, Biola's 8th president. That was a truly amazing thing to see; all the professors in their gowns; amazing music; great message from Dr. Cory.

On Saturday we had Biola Fest on Campus, which was a big carnival like event with performances by several bands, including Mercy Me. A lot of people from the community came in. I had the chance to eat some wonderful cotton candy :).

You can look on http://chimes.biola.edu for more details about all this. Some pictures of mine are actually posted on the website right now. I've been doing a lot more photography since I began doing all this online writing.

Oh, just to let you all know, I got my offical acceptance into the Washington Journalism center last week--really exciting!! So, I'm just taking care of some paper work, and in the next few months I will be trying to get set up with an internship over there.

Where there's smoke, there's fire

Wow, it's burning up down here. And I don't mean the weather! The LA Times reported today that seven counties of Southern California are burning in wild fires right now.

San Diego and Malibu are the two biggies, but there are many others. It's all the result of the driest season this region has seen in a long time, combined with high winds and possible downed powerlines.

The closest is 30 miles south near Irvine in a place called Limestone Canyon Regional Park, so I'm no no danger, but the smell of smoke is heavy in the air tonight--seriously.

Look at this

LA TIMES COVERAGE




The fire closest to me

Prof of Doom

Okay, so I have this journalism professor--his name is Mark Lansbaum. He currently is an editorial writer for the Orange County Register, but he also worked as an investigative reporter for the LA Times in years past. Now that's cool. It's great to have that kind of experience around here. And for the first couple weeks I was entranced by this guy; hung on his every word and smiled sweetly at the journalistic sugar that was being fed to me.

However, after the first few weeks, now, where I am currently, my opinion is a bit altered. Now, I have not lost my respect for the man. He is an unabashed Christian in a painfully secular profession and for that he deserves much admiration.

But, man, does this guy lay it on thick.

It's not so much that he is extremely harsh on us, being honest about our lack of writing skill, or our lack of aggression, or our hesitance to ask questions in class, or our poor choice in newspaper names ("The Chimes?" he says), or our....okay so, his critical style does bug me a little bit. But, man, he could critique us a little more gracefully. He just droans on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on about our mistakes. He makes the newsroom sound like a room of death, is painfully dismal in many of his talks, and talks down to us like we've never published anything in our lives.

.....

Okay, so I feel a little strongly about this.

I suppose, beyond my emotions surrounding this guy, I appreciate what he is trying to do. He tells us he is hard on us because he is trying to help us. I have to admit that I believe him. I also was reminded by a friend that this guy is probably much more graceful than some teachers at secular schools. Good point, I thought. And despite the fact that I feel like he is demanding perfection, I suppose sometimes, for better or for worse, you need people like that in your life to make you better. It's just annoying when you have a teacher who can find anything wrong with absolutely everything (including professional publications, I'm sure). This man is in stark contrast to my biggest mentor here at Biola, Dr. Longinow (Dept. of Journalism Chair), who never has anything but extremely nice and encouraging things to say about me. I suppose we all need that balance in life, right? People to push you on and people to keep you humble.

I would just ask for your prayers. This professor really does discourage me and make me doubt myself. But I think that it is about time I start doubting myself and trusting more in God. Pray that that could happen with a certain amount of ease in my life; that I could accept this professor as a challenge, and not just give up on things. Pray for my peace and pray for my endurance.

Also, pray that God be preparing me for what I am sure is going to be a life-changing experience for me next semester. As some of you have heard, I'll be going to DC next semester for a journalism study program. I'll most likely have a pretty sweet internship that's going to expect a lot from me. I want to trust in God, because it's all pretty intimidating. And it's also really scary to think about what I'll be missing out on at Biola--a semester is a significant amount of time when you realize there's only 8 of them in your four year study.

Thanks,

-mjf

The Chimes Online

Yay! Biola's student newspaper is now online! I'm a staff writer for The Chimes Online, so you can check out some of my writing on http://chimes.biola.edu.

I also am still writing for the print edition, though not as frequently. I'm doing other stuff for The Chimes, like reporting on our student senate every week.

Yay! Joshua Tree

My floor had a retreat to Joshua Tree National Park this past weekend. We did some rock climbing/hiking. It was a lot of fun--here are some pics from the event.

CONCERT

EVERYONE BACK HOME--PLEASE GO TO THIS CONCERT!!! YOU MUST!!

http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0F003F0FE679C724?artistid=790118&majorcatid=10001&minorcatid=1

I'll probably be going to the one in Irvine, CA, but you all must experience the goodness yourself in SALEM,OR!!!!!!!!

The Beautiful Silence

So, I've completed nearly a month of school.
I've been keeping busy for sure. Lucklily I haven't had to write any essays, but there are a lot of random things that I'm getting involved with. I just started being the beat reporter for the Chimes on the AS Senate (Biola's student government). That means I go to the Senate meetings and report anything newsworthy back to my editor. I'm getting involved with a Sunday school Bible study group at church. And of course there's my work with The Point.

My Old Testament class has been keeping me busy. I just finished Exodus today and will be reading Leviticus soon to come. It has been real insightful to just read through these Old Testament narratives. Like I said in a previous post, I just have never done that.

Oh, so I played my first ultimate frisbee game of the season yesteday. We won! I got two touchdowns and an assist. In contrast to the team I was on last year, this team is actually good. We're playing in the A league (there's an A and a B) and the team we beat was supposed to be pretty decent. It was a really good game. Though, as is becoming routine, I managed to get myself hurt again :p Going for a frisbee in the endzone I got taken out by a guy...his knee, shoulder, or somthing crashed into my thigh and knocked me over--now I have a nasty charlie-horse in my left thigh. I'm becoming a bit used to feeling physically hurt, lol.

So, in the midst of being busy, I've also been thinking about a lot of things. A lot of things that are just creating an unrest in my mind. So, I finally took it all to God and am so far feeling peaceful again (go Philippians 4!). I also read some beautiful Psalms that I think you should all check out. Psalm 80, and Psalm 107.

Sometimes it's best to stop what you're doing and step before the presence of God for a bit...in fact in needs to become more of a habit.




Me at a Biola soccer match with some friends.

Chuggga Chugga Choo Choo!

Just getting along like a train down here.

School has taken off and I'm back in business.

Last week I spent a lot of time writing an article for The Chimes--it was probably one of the hardest articles I've ever had to write. It was about a lawsuit Biola is filing against Bank of America. There was a lot of technical language involved, and not a lot of people in Biola's administration wanted to talk about it.
But I got it finished, and I think it turned out pretty good (front page).

I started catering again this week. First shift was a 7 hour one (gasp). But hey, it's a pretty good job and I have a pretty good time while working--also get to practice my spanish a lot since many of the workers are spanish speakers.

Been doing a lot of reading in Genesis lately. For my Old Testament class we have to read through it and do an assignment on it. It's funny, I don't think I've ever spent a lot of time reading thoroughly through Genesis, so doing it now has been really enjoyable. The history is fascinating in the book, and it just is so cool to see how God worked through Abraham--a seemingly random figure in the ancient world.

Today my church repainted our sanctuary. I came early in the morning to help out--I was covered in paint by the end, haha. It was fun, we actually had quite a few people show up. And for a bonus, we got free lunch--pizza!

Continuing to chug along :)

--mjf

Back to business

Ahh, yes, my blog.

Well, hey, summer was awesome. I'm not going to even try to tell you all everything that happened, I'll just give you a summary. I was at a summer camp called Camp Tadmor, which is located in eastern Oregon. I was a camp counselor, so I was responsible for about 10 kids each week.

Let me just say, it is amazing how God can work through your weakness. It was a very tiring job. To do the same routine for 8 weeks can ring on being monotonous--it was not always easy to be energetic. But you know what, as I was honest to God about my weaknesses and just stepped out in faith, doing the best I could, He provided. Even in my lowest of times he brought kids in my cabin to Him.

I remember one particualr occasion: a bunch of high school freshmen really broke down and confessed some of their problems to me. I prayed with each of them. One of them said how glad he was that I was there--now keep in mind, this was one of my lowest weeks of the summer in terms of energy and confidence level. I could only shake my head and smile, "God, I didn't do any of this." It truly is a blessing to be used by God.

Okay, well, now I am back at Biola--I'm almost a full week in. I got an Old Testament class, a swimming class, Geology, a reporting class, spanish, and I am the managing editor for our student magazine, The Point. All my classes seem to quite large--my Old Testament class almost has 200 people!!

But I really think my classes will be awesome. I just got back from my first reporting class and I am really looking forward to it. I was hanging on the professor's every word and my classmates are mostly serious journalism students that I know.

Working for the magazine will definitely be a new experience for me. So far I have enjoyed it, but it definitely is different than newspaper. It's funny, I actually am the only male on staff, haha--so that's kind of an interesting dynamic. It's also kind of a plus that one of the other editors happens to be...well, heh, one of the most amazing, interesting, and Godly girls I've ever met...and definitely not bad on the eyes, if you catch my meaning.

...Please, don't harass me about saying that--the openness I have with my audience is not a guarantee--more like a conditional privilege you all get to enjoy :)

....

No, I'm not really conceited, I just know how the Willhite side (yes, that means you too, mom) can be about harrassing.

So, yeah, I'm really enjoying life with my roommate. Him and I really get along well and have pretty similar preferences. The rest of my floor is also really cool--a lot of new guys, but still awesome.

So, I'm done writing--I'm a bit tired. Keep me in your prayers. I want to make sure I don't get torn apart by my work--there's a lot of different parties vying for my attention right now, and y'all know how I hate to disappoint.

--mjf

Back Home

So, I am home. Still not certain what I'm doing for work. There just has been some complications...don't really want to get into it right now.

But anyways, it's bit frusturating to get home only to have to help my family move...but hey, what can you do? I supppose I'm just worn out from moving stuff...I had a load of stuff back at Biola I had to move as well.

I'm sure I'll see you all around.

Finals? Hahaha! What are finals?

Actually, they're kind of important...actually really important. And it's kind of hard when you're worrying about what job you're going to have over the summer at the same time--and on top of that figuring out how you're going to move all your stuff out of your room.

That's kind of my dillema right now. So pray for me, cause it's kind of crazy right now.

But anyways, here's some great pictures of me not doing finals these past few weeks.



At my dorm's traditional end of the year toga ceremony. I was posing for some pics and one of my good friends came up and pretended like I was some great Greek hero or something, haha




Totally chill at Huntington Beach...I was a pizza place with some people from EagleVision.



At the journalism banquet. Stephen Pardini (friend from EagleVision), Me, Brittany McComb, and Jessica Oh. Yep, we had a nice table.



Me and some friends and the Crystal Cathedral...nice architecture, bad/heretical teaching, haha.

Whooo...

So, the end of the semester draws near. It's been crazy. Been running around so much that I finally just broke down and had to go before God. We spend a long time talking, but I think I finally found some peace.

I've been down lately because I did not get the News Editor position with The Chimes that I was almost 100% sure I was going to get. It was a real blow since--not to brag--I don't often get turned down for things I whole-heartily persue. However, as people have reminded me, and as I see God is trying to teach me, there may be a plan so much grander than my own in motion that I couldn't even imagine.

I'm really excited next week for the journalism awards banquet we are having. It's going to be a dressy event which will make it even more fun. I just love hanging out with all my journalism major peeps--especially since 70% of them are attractive, smart women, lol, haha. Heh, but seriously, it'll just feel nice to chill and reflect on my accomplishments this year...hey, with any luck I may get an award. But hey, to remember what God has been trying to teach me: worldly glory pales in comparison to the glory which shall be revealed.

Looks like chances are good I'll be back home for summer. Just trying to see what job opportunities come through and which ones will work out the best. Keep me in your prayers regarding that.

--mjf

Craziness

This week has been crazy busy. I'm working six days and will probably have around 25 hours at the end of it all (compared to 10-15 in normal weeks). Yesterday I had to go to work at 6:45 AM and today I had to go to work at 5:00 AM...so, I'm kind of tired.

School has also been keeping me pretty busy. I have a speech tomorrow that I've kind of hastily prepared, but I think I'll do well.

So also adding to the craziness has been the Biola drama of GYRADs haha (read last post if you don't know what I mean). I worked up the courage to ask that girl I was talking about to our GYRAD...unfortunatley her floor's GYRAD was on the same day so it didn't work out...however, the phone conversations and subsequent meeting at the coffee shop today were good results of the otherwise disappointing news (I'm pretty sure she would have gone with me had there not been a conflict in case you're wondering in my chances, haha).

But, the crazy thing is that while all this was happening two different girls contacted me about going on their GYRADs--craziness...maybe I'm making an impression after all, hahaha. So anyway, the drama increased when I found out the two girls that asked me were from the same floor...heh.

So anyways, in conclusion, I'm going on a GYRAD on Saturday with the first girl who asked me (or her roommate rather, since it's Get your Roommate a date)...not out of favoritism or anything, just because she was the first. I know her from my journalism classes and we've talked a bit and seem to have a lot in common...so it should be fun. I'm just treating it like a fun time to get to know a bunch of new people. By the way, I guess we're going to the zoo and the beach.

That's enough about GYRADs and girls...

I could use some prayer about my summer situation. I'm still not 100% positive about where I am going to be--so yeah, kind of getting worried about that.

Yeeeahhh....whoo...a lot of stuff going on before the end of the year. Crazy...end of the school year. I've grown so much I really think I could write a short novel about it...however, I won't do it here; talk to me over the phone or something if you really want to hear all that God has been doing in me; it's really quite spectacular.

Thanks for reading....

Just thought I'd string some words together

Was just about to clock out when a thought suddenly crossed my mind: perhaps I should entertain my captive audience (apparently I have one since my uncle Greg harassed me for not posting in a long time) with some thoughts from my brain.

So, I've pretty much been baptized into the torrent of school work once again. After that far too relaxing Spring Break I suppose I deserve it :). But it's good to be back and productive again. I never realize how much a part of me Biola has become than when I leave and then come back...awesome people here--professors, dorm brothers, great women that love God (my favorite kind, hehe) :) ...it's a dream, really.

I'll admit, though, I do run into doubts sometimes. I mean, I ceratinly am making a sacrifice to be going to Biola. A sacrifice, no doubt, that many people think is meaningless. I paying more money to go to a school with less world renown than perhaps a bigger state school. Now, of course, the rest of the world couldn't possibly understand why I would do this--but I do...if you know where and in what Truth resides, why would you go to a place that teaches you the opposite; that leads you against what you know to be true?

I know God to be true and in my world-view, going to another school perhaps Columbia or Missouri (both renowed schools of journalism), while perhaps would make me look better in the world's eyes, wouldn't at all point me towards the master--which is what I deeply desire and see as more important than any other pursuit in life.

Now, I'm not saying that all Christians have to go to Christian schools--of course that is not the case!! All I am saying is that God has put me here at Biola. I have a tremendous desire to deeply learn theology and the truths of God's word and I also have a tremendous desire to learn journalism and the craft of writing--where better to intergrate those two passions then at Biola? I suppose that is what Biola is for. People who desire to see, learn about, and experience a convergence of their craft and their faith. Not to say that Christians who go to secular schools don't desire this, but God takes people through diverse and unique roads--we need not all experience life the same way.

It's really strange, I didn't at all intend to write about this--just kind of happens. I suppose that is what you call "free-write"...and I also suppose that is the most honest form of writing, heh--a good way to really find out what is on your mind.

But yeah, things are going good. Like I said, it's busy already, but I am handling it. My floor is actually hosting its GYRAD (Get Your Roommate a Date) next week...I've gone on a couple of those this year with other girls' floors--weren't really with girls I was interested in or anything, but just were fun events to meet people at.

I don't really know what I'm going to do for our GYRAD...I do want to make it something significant--you know, like actually get a date I actually am interested in. But I don't know--I'll admit it, I'm chicken. And my roommate doesn't know the girl I'd really like to go with (yes I said it, laugh and giggle) so it makes it harder to just be like, "hey, could you ask ____ to go with me on the GYRAD." My roommate and I really haven't said anything to each other about it yet, so I'm kind of wondering what kind of footwork I'll have to do for him.

Anyways, I'm just going to stop talking about that. So, journalism work has been going good...getting a little antsy about the whole Chimes News Editor position thing...I found out today I do indeed have a competitor. Pray that God would continue to open doors for me...and especially that I'd be alert enough to see those doorways.

Okay, I've been writing for 30 mins...it's time to sleeeeeeeeep.

Sweet Video

Check out the video I made over spring break with my brothers.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=h8SnaAJLdJQ

Been a while...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while--I've been quite busy with homework lately.

So what's going on....

Well, my intramural team has begun playing--so far we are 2-0. Our team is called United F.C. and I think we're going to get far in playoffs. We don't really have any real bad players on our team...everyone is at least decent--so that helps a lot.

Like I said, homework has been crazy. Have had several essays to complete and a lot of just random work keeping me busy. Also just have been busy with EagleVision stuff too.

Well, finally officially getting started in my new job. Apparently the on-campus employment people forgot to inform me that I needed to bring a certain piece of paper into my employer signifying that all my paper work was done. So yeah, the whole time my employer was waiting for me to come in...lol, oh well. I'll probably be starting next week.

Good news. I got a letter in the mail yesterday saying that I have been recommended for News Editor of The Chimes next year. So yeah, that's exciting....I'm all pumped up about it. I'll be going through the application process this month and if I am hired will start being trained after Spring Break.

Oh yeah, and I am going on a floor retreat this weekend to Mt. Baldy--we're going to go hiking. Should be a lot of fun.

That's about it I suppose. See ya,

--Michael

Crazy Week

Been really busy lately, so that's why I haven't posted lately. Just have had a lot of homework, a lot of events, and real involved with Biola Media.

I did my second EagleVision broadcast yesterday. I felt it went a lot better than last time...I wasn't nearly as panicked or out-of-wack like last time--felt a lot more confident.

Last night we had a bi-annual "Night at the Sig" at my dorm. It was 007 themed so we all dressed up real nice....I'm going to put some pictures up after I'm done blabbering here.

Anyways, I need some prayer right now. I just feel like I'm getting so busy that I'm not making enough time for real critical things like time in the Word...I just feel like I am rushing a lot and so am making a lot of excuses for not doing it. Now, don't get me wrong, the whole rushing and keeping busy thing is good--I did, after all, make goals at the beginning of the semester to keep busy and to be involved, which I am doing--however, the struggle now is just making time for some of the real important spiritual matters which brought me to Biola in the first place.

Oh, and my first real intramural game is tomrrow...I'm real excited. Hopefully our team will be able to come together. During our pre-season match we just were real disorganized and weren't working well as a unit--we have a lot of talent it seem, just need to put it together.

Well, other than that, things are going pretty swell :) I feel like I am getting a lot of things done and am making really good use of my time. I also feel like I am slowly establishing myself with other people across campus, mainly because of my involvement with EagleVision. I also am really enjoying my Bible class--a lot of good theology and Bible interpretation that I have been missing since Phil left the church last year--and the professor is really cool.

So, here are the pictures....


My roomie Clay and I//////////////////////////// Some guys from my floor























Javier (my old roomie) and Clay playing /////////Brooks and Justin (one of my floor's RAs)























More guys from my floor

EagleVision Anchoring

Alright, well, I anchored for Biola's broadcast news show EagleVision earlier this week. Let's be honest, it didn't go completely smoothly because many of us were new...but here it is.

http://www.mcom.biola.edu/ev/

You can definitely tell I'm not wearing my contacts...heh...and my speech really gets slurred up in the Iran/Bush story. Oh well...practice makes perfect.

Why is it so cold?

Of couse it is winter! But who said that meant anything in Southern California?! Yeah, I guess I shouldn't be complaining, I'm wearing a t-shirt and there is just a bit of wind.

Anyways, I got a job last week. Finally. Nothing special, just working for the catering people on-campus, but I'm just happy I'll be getting an income. I'll probably be working between 10-15 hours per week, so I don't think it'll tax my schedule too bad. I feel a bit more at ease, I guess, getting a job was the only thing left on my list of things to do...plus I just feel more in control, you know, my goal was to make some money this semester so I could pay for next year and I now am accomplishing it. Of course, as a pretty experienced Christian I know that a feeling of comfort is just more reason for God to remind me that I am not in control...heh. But hey, I can only do so much, right?

Classes are still going good. I've noticed that I still am working to get back into the routine of things (have forgotten about some assignments a few times), but that's normal...I'm just having to work a little harder than normal to remind myself of the normal college stuff. My professors are all really cool--I'm not having problems like last semseter with the professor that was really disorganized. There are also a lot of good discussions that have been going on in my classes--all very interesting.

Umm...what else? Well, the article that I wrote for last week made the top headline...I kind of felt like the bearer of bad news because the article was about tuition increase, heh. And also my Eagle Vision piece aired recently...watch it here; it's about 2 minutes into the second video. Just click on the first video to pause it, then click on the second video to start that one.

So nothing really profound to say here today. Like normal I'll keep y'all posted.

---Michael

Going Good

So far I have been meeting my goals this semester. Involved with The Chimes, Eagle Vision (campus broadcast news show), and have been working out regularly. I guess it's all about setting a pattern for me. When I tell myself that I have to do a certain thing every day, I just do it...becomes very routine. I have been keeping busy--I actually get bored if I sit down to play the computer, heh. I also have been hanging out a lot more with people from my dorm...that's been good...I like feeling "in" you know?

So yeah, everything is going pretty dandy right now I would have to say. Still working on getting a job...just got an email saying I was denied for an office position I applied for--I know, I don't get it either; this is the third time this has happened. But yeah, I'm not incredibly worried yet.

That's about all there is to report now...toodles.

A little bit about myself

I have been discovering something over the past few days. Not necessarily something new, but more like finding a way to describe an emotion and state of living that I have been experiencing for a long, long time.

Most of you know me pretty well. So think about all the different things I have been involved with and interested in over my life. Diverse, isn't it? I mean, soccer, music, church/Bible studies, medieval stuff, computers, video games, writing...etc etc. My interests really seem to stretch across the board. I mean, if I was in one of those sterotypical high school shows, who would I be? The jock? The nerd? The average joe? The rock-and-roller? The school president? I don't know about you, but I can see a little of myself in all those.

Now, not that it is a inherently bad thing to have a diverse resume, but I am realizing the bit of social conflict it has caused (and still is causing) in my life. I don't know where I fit it! I know that sounds childish and middle-school-like....but to just be honest, that is how I feel sometimes. I feel like I can fit into every social group around (which is why I never have been too conscientious of social ladders), yet I never feel like I fully belong to any one of them.

So what do I do with that? All I know, is that it sometimes causes brief periods of thought where I am wondering if I have any real friends. Now don't jump all over me....I know I do have friends all over the place....I know...but emotions often act independently of the much more rational intellect and I forget. But really, sometimes I do just feel...well, alone. It is so rare that I find someone who I can just completely connect with...and even if I do, for some reason the relationship doesn't really go any farther than 'casual friend'. I am not positively sure if it is completely my fault or not...I just want depth, you know. Just like Sanctus Real's song I'm Not Alright, I want to be able to feel completely comfortable sharing with others my thoughts/feelings. But I don't know if it is my lack of social skills that prevents that, or other people's uncertainty with me...maybe both.

So I've taken this whole problem up as a challenge. Where do I belong? Well, I'm not expecting a complete answer any time soon...that is a question that can take a lifelong to answer. But I think there are very basic, not-as-philisophically deep ways in which I can answer some of it. For example, I am a member of the body of Christ...there's a start, Sure it's a basic start that leads to more questions--but at least it is a start. But yeah, I really think this is the next big way God wants to grow me. I just have of late felt this misplacement in the world that has left me feeling very alone...but I think this is just another step to maturity that needs to happen.

Even though I do now recognize the issue, I still am effected by it...so keep me in your prayers. I believe there is a way to fix this--at least as much as possible on this earth. I expect that the Day trumpets sound and I see my creator in the air, I shall experience all the fullness that the universe can offer. Until then, I shall learn to be "content in every situation" and "joyful in all circumstances."

Think about this quote by C.S. Lewis below. Normal human desires have ways to be satisfied, correct? Hunger, by food; Thirst, by water; Weariness, by rest; Sexuality, by sex; etc. etc. etc. So what about that emptiness that people still feel after being given all the riches of the world...what of that?

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world.

--C.S. Lewis


Seems rather logical :)

I Return

Just got back to Biola about an hour and a half ago. Ahh....so nice to be back---in some ways, as we pulled up to the dorm, it felt like I had never been gone...weird.

Anyhow, my ambitions are high and I'm ready to take on the world. Already I have taken up an article for The Chimes which will be due on Tuesday--crazy fast, I know...but I wanted to start off fast so I can set a pattern of productivity--sounds corny, yeah, but hey.

I got about 6 things written down on a sticky pad that I have to get done in the next few days, so there's not too much time to just settle down. I know it sounds like I'm going crazy, but don't worry, I know myself and what I have to do in order to keep myself going and productive. I'm very conscientious of my limits, my ability, and the necessity to keep balanced and take a break.

Though the future unclear, I'm here
...sure there's fear.
But nerves bridled and object clear
God will strengthen His child
And keep my name filed


I'm going for it guys....root for me.

Oh Gosh....

I've come to an unfortunate reality this past week---my four years at Biola are anything but secure. There just has been some financial confusion between my dad and I--really the whole family--and so now I just find myself in a hard place. I can't justify taking out as much money as I did this year for next year's schooling...it would put me at over $30,000 in debt--only 1 in 10 students come out with that much debt when they graduate.

I am also just discovering the reality that my parents can only offer very limited help...they have their own financial crisis on hand.

I plan on doing all that I can do to make next year happen. I plan on having a job during the semester, and then working my butt off when summer comes along. I also have been applying for a lot of scholarships. It's just crazy, though, if my financial package is the same as this year's, $12,000 is going to have to come from somewhere.

I suppose if next year doesn't work out I could move back home and attend Corban....I figure since I'd be living with my parents Corban's financial aid package would nearly if not totally cover my expenses (living on campus is like 7,000/yr, plus their tuition is about 3,000 cheaper)

It's just hard to think of the possibility of all my dreams coming apart....I mean, I expected to make something of myself, not move back home and work some crap job so I can pay off loans that don't mean much to me anyore....

I just have to take it a step at a time...I know. I know that God will work it out if He desires it. I just have to focus on working hard this next semester, and then figure out the rest.

Please pray for me...that I could keep persevering in spite of the trials.

Thinking

I know a lot of you guys got all freaked out about my last post....but seriously, people, relax. I'm not depressed or anything; just going through a pretty traumatic time in my life.

I've just been thinking a lot about goals that I need to make. Thinking a lot about the reality I now face in life. I may have not realized all that going to college in SoCal would mean for my life, but I am now beginning to discover much of it. It means that I am probably going to have to start settling down a bit. College is a time when you transition to independence, and I just feel like I am behind where I should be. I'm not going to be able to get any kind of solid job if I am continually moving back and forth between two states. It's hard to think about, but I may have to start looking for ways to settle down a bit in California. This probably will mean coming back home a good deal less...but, you know, I got to do it.

I just find myself wanting to 'be there', if you know what I mean. I want to prove to myself that I can survive on my own; you know, pay my own bills, have an apartment. I know most of you are probably laughing because you've been doing this for years and years and it is not a big deal for you....you probably want me just to enjoy where I am at. But just try to remember back to when you were my age and the world looked ripe in front of you...how you wanted to just break free and prove that you could live in this world just like everyone else. That is what I am feeling. I've never have been thoroughly independent, and so I am kind of nervous about how I'll get along...but I want to get there because I know if every other person has done it, so can I...I want to prove that to myself.

Unfortunately, I just am not in the position to 'be there' yet. Being a full time student doesn't allow for any kind of full-time, sufficiently providing job. So I have to wait...in anticpation. Praying to God that I'll make it out okay and this whole college thing will prove to be a good investment.

This next semester will be pivotal for me, I think. Looking at my schedule this next semester I think that I have a much better chance at getting an on-campus job....I have to. I have to in order to make myself feel a little bit more secure....and of course to get a bit of money. I'm planning on getting an internship at a newspaper this summer, hopefully paid. But that's something else I need to do in order to ensure myself that I am progressing...so I don't know where I'll be this summer...I'll be looking around Biola, San Diego, and in Oregon.

I'm just a bit anxious....probably a little too much. Just pray that I can find peace in everything. And that I'd continue to have the motivation that'll keep me going.