Thinking

I know a lot of you guys got all freaked out about my last post....but seriously, people, relax. I'm not depressed or anything; just going through a pretty traumatic time in my life.

I've just been thinking a lot about goals that I need to make. Thinking a lot about the reality I now face in life. I may have not realized all that going to college in SoCal would mean for my life, but I am now beginning to discover much of it. It means that I am probably going to have to start settling down a bit. College is a time when you transition to independence, and I just feel like I am behind where I should be. I'm not going to be able to get any kind of solid job if I am continually moving back and forth between two states. It's hard to think about, but I may have to start looking for ways to settle down a bit in California. This probably will mean coming back home a good deal less...but, you know, I got to do it.

I just find myself wanting to 'be there', if you know what I mean. I want to prove to myself that I can survive on my own; you know, pay my own bills, have an apartment. I know most of you are probably laughing because you've been doing this for years and years and it is not a big deal for you....you probably want me just to enjoy where I am at. But just try to remember back to when you were my age and the world looked ripe in front of you...how you wanted to just break free and prove that you could live in this world just like everyone else. That is what I am feeling. I've never have been thoroughly independent, and so I am kind of nervous about how I'll get along...but I want to get there because I know if every other person has done it, so can I...I want to prove that to myself.

Unfortunately, I just am not in the position to 'be there' yet. Being a full time student doesn't allow for any kind of full-time, sufficiently providing job. So I have to wait...in anticpation. Praying to God that I'll make it out okay and this whole college thing will prove to be a good investment.

This next semester will be pivotal for me, I think. Looking at my schedule this next semester I think that I have a much better chance at getting an on-campus job....I have to. I have to in order to make myself feel a little bit more secure....and of course to get a bit of money. I'm planning on getting an internship at a newspaper this summer, hopefully paid. But that's something else I need to do in order to ensure myself that I am progressing...so I don't know where I'll be this summer...I'll be looking around Biola, San Diego, and in Oregon.

I'm just a bit anxious....probably a little too much. Just pray that I can find peace in everything. And that I'd continue to have the motivation that'll keep me going.