A little bit about myself

I have been discovering something over the past few days. Not necessarily something new, but more like finding a way to describe an emotion and state of living that I have been experiencing for a long, long time.

Most of you know me pretty well. So think about all the different things I have been involved with and interested in over my life. Diverse, isn't it? I mean, soccer, music, church/Bible studies, medieval stuff, computers, video games, writing...etc etc. My interests really seem to stretch across the board. I mean, if I was in one of those sterotypical high school shows, who would I be? The jock? The nerd? The average joe? The rock-and-roller? The school president? I don't know about you, but I can see a little of myself in all those.

Now, not that it is a inherently bad thing to have a diverse resume, but I am realizing the bit of social conflict it has caused (and still is causing) in my life. I don't know where I fit it! I know that sounds childish and middle-school-like....but to just be honest, that is how I feel sometimes. I feel like I can fit into every social group around (which is why I never have been too conscientious of social ladders), yet I never feel like I fully belong to any one of them.

So what do I do with that? All I know, is that it sometimes causes brief periods of thought where I am wondering if I have any real friends. Now don't jump all over me....I know I do have friends all over the place....I know...but emotions often act independently of the much more rational intellect and I forget. But really, sometimes I do just feel...well, alone. It is so rare that I find someone who I can just completely connect with...and even if I do, for some reason the relationship doesn't really go any farther than 'casual friend'. I am not positively sure if it is completely my fault or not...I just want depth, you know. Just like Sanctus Real's song I'm Not Alright, I want to be able to feel completely comfortable sharing with others my thoughts/feelings. But I don't know if it is my lack of social skills that prevents that, or other people's uncertainty with me...maybe both.

So I've taken this whole problem up as a challenge. Where do I belong? Well, I'm not expecting a complete answer any time soon...that is a question that can take a lifelong to answer. But I think there are very basic, not-as-philisophically deep ways in which I can answer some of it. For example, I am a member of the body of Christ...there's a start, Sure it's a basic start that leads to more questions--but at least it is a start. But yeah, I really think this is the next big way God wants to grow me. I just have of late felt this misplacement in the world that has left me feeling very alone...but I think this is just another step to maturity that needs to happen.

Even though I do now recognize the issue, I still am effected by it...so keep me in your prayers. I believe there is a way to fix this--at least as much as possible on this earth. I expect that the Day trumpets sound and I see my creator in the air, I shall experience all the fullness that the universe can offer. Until then, I shall learn to be "content in every situation" and "joyful in all circumstances."

Think about this quote by C.S. Lewis below. Normal human desires have ways to be satisfied, correct? Hunger, by food; Thirst, by water; Weariness, by rest; Sexuality, by sex; etc. etc. etc. So what about that emptiness that people still feel after being given all the riches of the world...what of that?

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world.

--C.S. Lewis


Seems rather logical :)