Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A little bit about myself

I have been discovering something over the past few days. Not necessarily something new, but more like finding a way to describe an emotion and state of living that I have been experiencing for a long, long time.

Most of you know me pretty well. So think about all the different things I have been involved with and interested in over my life. Diverse, isn't it? I mean, soccer, music, church/Bible studies, medieval stuff, computers, video games, writing...etc etc. My interests really seem to stretch across the board. I mean, if I was in one of those sterotypical high school shows, who would I be? The jock? The nerd? The average joe? The rock-and-roller? The school president? I don't know about you, but I can see a little of myself in all those.

Now, not that it is a inherently bad thing to have a diverse resume, but I am realizing the bit of social conflict it has caused (and still is causing) in my life. I don't know where I fit it! I know that sounds childish and middle-school-like....but to just be honest, that is how I feel sometimes. I feel like I can fit into every social group around (which is why I never have been too conscientious of social ladders), yet I never feel like I fully belong to any one of them.

So what do I do with that? All I know, is that it sometimes causes brief periods of thought where I am wondering if I have any real friends. Now don't jump all over me....I know I do have friends all over the place....I know...but emotions often act independently of the much more rational intellect and I forget. But really, sometimes I do just feel...well, alone. It is so rare that I find someone who I can just completely connect with...and even if I do, for some reason the relationship doesn't really go any farther than 'casual friend'. I am not positively sure if it is completely my fault or not...I just want depth, you know. Just like Sanctus Real's song I'm Not Alright, I want to be able to feel completely comfortable sharing with others my thoughts/feelings. But I don't know if it is my lack of social skills that prevents that, or other people's uncertainty with me...maybe both.

So I've taken this whole problem up as a challenge. Where do I belong? Well, I'm not expecting a complete answer any time soon...that is a question that can take a lifelong to answer. But I think there are very basic, not-as-philisophically deep ways in which I can answer some of it. For example, I am a member of the body of Christ...there's a start, Sure it's a basic start that leads to more questions--but at least it is a start. But yeah, I really think this is the next big way God wants to grow me. I just have of late felt this misplacement in the world that has left me feeling very alone...but I think this is just another step to maturity that needs to happen.

Even though I do now recognize the issue, I still am effected by it...so keep me in your prayers. I believe there is a way to fix this--at least as much as possible on this earth. I expect that the Day trumpets sound and I see my creator in the air, I shall experience all the fullness that the universe can offer. Until then, I shall learn to be "content in every situation" and "joyful in all circumstances."

Think about this quote by C.S. Lewis below. Normal human desires have ways to be satisfied, correct? Hunger, by food; Thirst, by water; Weariness, by rest; Sexuality, by sex; etc. etc. etc. So what about that emptiness that people still feel after being given all the riches of the world...what of that?

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world.

--C.S. Lewis


Seems rather logical :)

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I Return

Just got back to Biola about an hour and a half ago. Ahh....so nice to be back---in some ways, as we pulled up to the dorm, it felt like I had never been gone...weird.

Anyhow, my ambitions are high and I'm ready to take on the world. Already I have taken up an article for The Chimes which will be due on Tuesday--crazy fast, I know...but I wanted to start off fast so I can set a pattern of productivity--sounds corny, yeah, but hey.

I got about 6 things written down on a sticky pad that I have to get done in the next few days, so there's not too much time to just settle down. I know it sounds like I'm going crazy, but don't worry, I know myself and what I have to do in order to keep myself going and productive. I'm very conscientious of my limits, my ability, and the necessity to keep balanced and take a break.

Though the future unclear, I'm here
...sure there's fear.
But nerves bridled and object clear
God will strengthen His child
And keep my name filed


I'm going for it guys....root for me.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Oh Gosh....

I've come to an unfortunate reality this past week---my four years at Biola are anything but secure. There just has been some financial confusion between my dad and I--really the whole family--and so now I just find myself in a hard place. I can't justify taking out as much money as I did this year for next year's schooling...it would put me at over $30,000 in debt--only 1 in 10 students come out with that much debt when they graduate.

I am also just discovering the reality that my parents can only offer very limited help...they have their own financial crisis on hand.

I plan on doing all that I can do to make next year happen. I plan on having a job during the semester, and then working my butt off when summer comes along. I also have been applying for a lot of scholarships. It's just crazy, though, if my financial package is the same as this year's, $12,000 is going to have to come from somewhere.

I suppose if next year doesn't work out I could move back home and attend Corban....I figure since I'd be living with my parents Corban's financial aid package would nearly if not totally cover my expenses (living on campus is like 7,000/yr, plus their tuition is about 3,000 cheaper)

It's just hard to think of the possibility of all my dreams coming apart....I mean, I expected to make something of myself, not move back home and work some crap job so I can pay off loans that don't mean much to me anyore....

I just have to take it a step at a time...I know. I know that God will work it out if He desires it. I just have to focus on working hard this next semester, and then figure out the rest.

Please pray for me...that I could keep persevering in spite of the trials.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Thinking

I know a lot of you guys got all freaked out about my last post....but seriously, people, relax. I'm not depressed or anything; just going through a pretty traumatic time in my life.

I've just been thinking a lot about goals that I need to make. Thinking a lot about the reality I now face in life. I may have not realized all that going to college in SoCal would mean for my life, but I am now beginning to discover much of it. It means that I am probably going to have to start settling down a bit. College is a time when you transition to independence, and I just feel like I am behind where I should be. I'm not going to be able to get any kind of solid job if I am continually moving back and forth between two states. It's hard to think about, but I may have to start looking for ways to settle down a bit in California. This probably will mean coming back home a good deal less...but, you know, I got to do it.

I just find myself wanting to 'be there', if you know what I mean. I want to prove to myself that I can survive on my own; you know, pay my own bills, have an apartment. I know most of you are probably laughing because you've been doing this for years and years and it is not a big deal for you....you probably want me just to enjoy where I am at. But just try to remember back to when you were my age and the world looked ripe in front of you...how you wanted to just break free and prove that you could live in this world just like everyone else. That is what I am feeling. I've never have been thoroughly independent, and so I am kind of nervous about how I'll get along...but I want to get there because I know if every other person has done it, so can I...I want to prove that to myself.

Unfortunately, I just am not in the position to 'be there' yet. Being a full time student doesn't allow for any kind of full-time, sufficiently providing job. So I have to wait...in anticpation. Praying to God that I'll make it out okay and this whole college thing will prove to be a good investment.

This next semester will be pivotal for me, I think. Looking at my schedule this next semester I think that I have a much better chance at getting an on-campus job....I have to. I have to in order to make myself feel a little bit more secure....and of course to get a bit of money. I'm planning on getting an internship at a newspaper this summer, hopefully paid. But that's something else I need to do in order to ensure myself that I am progressing...so I don't know where I'll be this summer...I'll be looking around Biola, San Diego, and in Oregon.

I'm just a bit anxious....probably a little too much. Just pray that I can find peace in everything. And that I'd continue to have the motivation that'll keep me going.