Commitment

I've realized something about myself. I'm afraid of commitment.

It's a strange thing to admit because I've always bashed on our non-commitment culture, especially as it applies to men. After all, we should be strong and courageous, right? We should go head-first into relationships, jobs and whatever else with unflinching resolve and dedication.

It's strange because being a Christian is a huge commitment. Coming to Biola was quite the commitment. Getting tattoos on my calves was a heavy commitment. So it's not like I'm totally afraid of commitment. It seems with issues of my faith and its expression I feel much more comfortable. But maybe that's just because I was raised in it and haven't suffered a ton of persecution for it.

But back to the issue:

Take for example my lack of a dating life. Is it lacking because I don't have options; because I'm a geeky loner who's afraid to talk to girls? Not really. I mean, if anything, there are too many options (the Biola ratio kills me sometimes). But I don't do anything about it, even though it wouldn't be that hard.

Why don't I do anything about it? Well, one, because I'm afraid of giving up sovereignty in my life to anyone but God; I want to be able to make decisions freely, without worrying about how I'm affecting someone else. The second reason is because I'm afraid of choosing the wrong person. I'm afraid of committing to someone and then later discovering someone else "better." Obviously this is unhealthy and irrational fear, but it's what I'm feeling, and trying harder rarely makes a feeling go away.

This problem extends to career life too. Several options lay before me right now. I could continue along the straight and narrow, following what I've always thought would be my journey: journalism, media, writing, the like. Now as I've watched the newspaper industry and the economy in general crumble, another option (which I don't want to make public yet) has presented itself.

This second option is very left-field for me and would, I know, surprise a lot of people. This option is very attractive to me right now, however, and wouldn't necessarily mean me giving up my craft--just expressing it in a much different context. But despite how strongly I feel about this option, I haven't committed to it. Why? Well, because something better might come up.

There's certainly wisdom in prudence. People who throw themselves around at everything, committing themselves recklessly without thinking, obviously have their own set of issues. I've always valued deep consideration and self-control. And after all that thinking, when I do decide to commit to something, I commit hard-core.

That's likely why dating is such an issue for me. I can't stand the idea of just casually going out with someone. For me, you should either commit hard-core or do nothing; hanging out in the middle isn't productive in my mind. I imagine this dichotomy I draw isn't always good. I imagine being in the middle often requires the most faith.

But it also makes you so vulnerable to hurt--something I desperately try to avoid.